What to Wear to the Renaissance Faire (and Still Look Sexy)

Good morrow, jabroni, and welcome to Renaissance faire season. It's that time of the year for glistening turkey legs, tight corsets, and tighter bonds made with your clergy at the joust, whether ye be a casual fan of Ren faires or a committed Medieval alchemist/Da Vinci Code-obsessed dealer. You really don't have to give a damn about the 16th century to have a great time at a Ren faire, because everyone loves swords, hot meat, and Led Zeppelin lute covers, but getting dressed for the occasion can heighten your experience, and even ingratiate you with the high court.

Hence, we’ve passed through the mists of Avalon to help you find out what to wear to a Renaissance faire to pull babes better than a Pendragon. We’ll be covering looks for n00bs and Skyrim lore experts alike, with a special eye for unique pieces of armor that will pull their weight in your wardrobe long after the season's final joust. I can't tell you how many times my chainmail coif has ensorceled the good folks of Brooklyn on a casual Saturdee eve:

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Be it rogue chance that Ren faire season should find its wings during Pride Month, too? Methinks not, because what is gayer or more Ren faire-core than being strapped into a 16th-century harness while the Wells Fargo™ LGBTQ+ parade float rolls by? These looks aren't just festival staples, but life staples. You can wake up on any given Monday and get dressed for the day at hand, or you can choose to get dressed for the day you deserve, which is one spent serenading Enya in her remote Irish castle.

The best Renaissance faire outfit ideas, however, must speak to the micro-seasons within the imminent faires; New York's Renaissance Faire runs from August to October, for example, which means you will have the option of dressing in cyber heaux fairycore looks on hotter days, and in spooky, slaine knight ‘fits on rainy weekends. Personally, my guild and I enjoy pairing ye olde pieces (chainmail, chestplates, and leather gauntlets) with elements of contemporary swag (Adidas track pants, cowboy boots) to subtly dom the faire with a vibe that is more A Kid in King Arthur's Court than on-the-nose castle laird. Prithee, let the cosplayers pop their [redacted] with period-accurate garb—that's not your bag, and that's OK! Your only job is to look hot, unbothered, and like you just so happened to wake up in 1569.

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Whether you want a low-maintenance Ren faire costume or a look that says, "I have emerged from the swamp with the sword, m’lady," we have you covered.

You don't always have time to cop a 16th-century cosplay ‘fit before the faire, nor does that have to be your vibe to look fuego at the archery tent. It's a great idea to have elf ears around the house for many occasions—Halloween, clubbing, sex—but they’re an easy Ren faire accessory that always slaps.

… You could apply that same logic to this humble ranger cloak, which says, "I can't carry the ring Mr. Frodo, but I sure can eat ass." Plus, it will double as a picnic blanket at the faire grounds for babes/weary travelers/potion sellers to rest.

Hieronymous Bosch was really into the bible, butts, and the flames of Hell, and there's really few combos more Ren faire-core than that. Pay tribute to the Dutch baddie with this graphic T-shirt, which highlights one of his signature horny-creepy moments from his iconic triptych.

Where have you been, Tarnished? Playing Elden Ring, when ye should have been bartering for thine Ren faire jawn? No matter. There's an entire VICE guide to the best Elden Ring merch, but this Power Trip-inspired graphic shirt doth take the cake.

Another wardrobe staple that transcends Ren faire season is chainmail, which is universally flattering and fortifying on everyone. Prepare to be showered in compliments by every villager in the hamlet (Bushwick) as they marvel at the way the affordable coif from Lord Bezos (Amazon) frames your visage.

Comfortable Ren faire dressing is all about mastering layers, and this breezy faux-chainmail top would look great over both a bra and a breastplate. What's the difference, honestly?

Before Chrome Hearts came the Crusades, and with it a lot of swaggy chainmail shirts. Pair this sublime number with an oversized Jil Sander blazer at your next unconventional wedding.

Every fortnight or so, I give mine noggin a serotonin boost by drooling over the ethereal, Enya-ready chainmail garb by Falconiere. This diamond halter is one-of-a-kind, and an excellent shorthand for saying, "My father was a jester, and my mother was Joan of Arc."

Lastly, accessorize your chainmail with the contemporary face armor beloved by fishmongers, hunters, and ravers alike: Oakley shades. You just know Sir Galahad would’ve ate those polarized lenses, and their frosted Amazon alternatives, right up.

They’re called "sex dungeons" for a reason, mate. BDSM gear was built for the Ren faire, because it brings a certain come-hither-gentry-executioner vibe to the atmosphere that your fellow serfs will appreciate. Whether you’re a BDSM n00b or a seasoned spanker, you’ll look hotter than Beezlebub with a pair of studded red vinyl panties over your leather pants, and a gold-accented harness peeking out from under your blouse.

A hand-crafted metal flame bikini with brass gauntlets? Thou shall be knee-deep in wenches.

… If you really want to go the extra furlong, pair your Xena: Warrior Princess look with some shoulder armor; this set feels very Alexander McQueen Fall 1998 Excalibur-core.

A little leather can go a long way at the Ren faire in distinguishing you from foolish minstrels (rude people at the ATM), and highlighting your talents as a seigneur of swag. Get to this gothic faux-leather neck/shoulder piece before Grimes does, m’lord.

Leather gauntlets = the OG cufflinks. Fight me.

Russell Crowe sucks, but he sure did a great job at getting us obsessed with Gladiator-worthy body armor. Pair this chest piece with some Lululemon boxers for a more casual look.

Jesters walked—nay, juggled—so that gig economy musicians with hot SoundCloud accounts could run. Put some respect on these entertainers’ profession with a jester ‘fit that stands apart from the tradish three-pointed hat, and slip into some pointy Krakow shoes and a black devil horn hat.

When worn as one part of a complete period-accurate ‘fit, pantaloons and bloomers risk saying, "I’m a haughty, tax-paying dotard"; but if you pair those pantaloons with a bustier or crocheted top and some muddy fairy wings, thou shalt achieve the cottagecore bumpkin/wench look that says, "Caroline Polachek never gave back my lighter at the rave last weekend."

Martin Luther may have been a wet blanket (who doesn't like a tricked-out pulpit??), but that doesn't mean there weren't plenty of other priests, monks, and friars who were ready to twerk in tongues for Jesus. We’re pretty sure this is the same ye olde get-up Engima wore during its life-changing 1991 Spanish TV performance, but either way, it will have all the cool kids flocking to you for a "a selfie with Pope Innocent III" at the faire.

We’ve all been on the Kissing Bridge at the NY Ren faire with our boo/situationship, and wondered if they were about to make the big proposal/offer to share their Netflix account with us. Slip that ring into this walnut box for a big moment, or at least use it to sneak your drugs into the festival.

Anon, fair jabronis. See ye in a fortnight at the mead hut.

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